You had such wonderful plans for your marriage. Then Life happened, with some babies. And instead of intimate lovers, you guys turned into roommates. Maybe he started asking you for more. Or maybe you noticed he didn’t realise you changed your hairdo, but couldn’t stop talking about how pretty his coworker looked today. Maybe you realised everytime he touched you, you flinched. Maybe everytime he makes an advance, you die internally. Let’s talk about rekindling your passion.
We sat down with Bisola, owner of Anike’s Closet and she shared tidbits with us on how and why these issues happen. She’s a mum herself, so she understands.
Where did the Passion go?
B: I’ve had women reach out to me, wanting to boost their libidos. They’re tired when it comes to sex in their marriage, or it’s boring. It could be hormones. You’re not a machine, sometimes it could be mental. You have to be ready even spiritually. A woman can be “oh, I’m so happy with my sex life” and her husband is “I’m bored, but I don’t want to hurt her”. How do they get on the same page? What about stress of living in Nigeria, the kids, in-laws, financial worries, sometimes it’s too much. And childbirth really affects a woman’s genitals.
It’s the little things
B: Familiarity breeds contempt. When was the last time your partner noticed your new hairdo? When was the last time you wore perfume, in the house? When was the last time you two laughed together. I believe couples should do things on their own, don’t go from “Iyke and Uche” to “Papa and Mama Emeka”. Men, don’t get so used to her that you don’t notice she bought new underwear. Ladies, when was the last time you bought lacy, new underwear sef?? When last did you guys cuddle?
Probable Causes for lack of Intimacy
B: All of us have suffered from a wandering mind (you’re in the middle of it and thinking of your Idumota shopping trip). Or he’s under a lot of stress, September and schoolfees is coming, he’s not ready. Low self-esteem, your tummy is not as flat, you now have stretchmarks. And Orientation and Monotony matters: I know men who don’t want to get freaky with their wives but will explore with side chics, or women who lie down and pray during sex. Because they were taught anything other than Missionary was filthy. Genital Mutilation, or a history of sexual abuse which you suppressed all this while.
Medically, you can suffer from a lack of Zinc in your body. Heard of Dyspareunia? It’s pain during or after sexual intimacy and upto 20% of women suffer from it. How about Postpartum depression, we need to start talking more about the mental well-being of mothers who have just put to bed. Hormonal imbalances may be caused as well, sometimes by the birth control you use.
So what we we do to improve the situation
B: for medial issues, please every woman should have a Gynaecologist. Men should go for regular check-ups. Please rely on a mental health professional if you think you’re suffering from postpartum depression. Take up regular exercise and eat healthy: your fitness level is key to feeling good about yourself.
Men, be patient: ease back into intimacy after childbirth. Don’t rush new mums. She’ll love you more for your kindness. Don’t leave all housework and childcare on your wife’s head, she’ll be too exhausted to do more than lie down tiredly. Add some spice, take her out dates, be spontaneous (ever tried making out in the car?). Read up on foreplay and call your woman to practise with you, don’t be sexually selfish. Talk dirty to him and be willing to try new things.
Ladies, be a tease. Flirty texts, nudes, dress sexy (heels, short dresses, bum shots, spag tops. Leave the flowy ankara bubus for when you’re going to church or to visit in-laws please). Look and smell good for your self-esteem and your man.
Grab some sex toys and scented oils, lingerie and sexy underwear. Plan a fun getaway, it need not be too expensive. Even a nearby guesthouse is a change of scene.
Do you have any issues causing anger in your marriage, then work on it. Forgive each other. Play with each other, you’re never too old to be an agbaya! Have secret jokes between both of you.
Take your time, be patient and fun-loving and rekindle your passion. Thank you.
Bisola, Anike’s Closet. INSTAGRAM: @anikes_closet